Depakote 

Does anyone else have strange dreams while taking depakote ?

I’ve been having the most strangest freaking dreams… I wake up everyday a minute before my alarm and have to sit there for 15 minutes just letting it all sink in and coming back to reality .. so realistic and supernatural and even just gruesome and gory dreams. So Gorry. I usually always dream, or should I say I remember my dreams. But since starting depakote theyve been out of the ordinary crazy fucked up. Anyone else ?

Ughhhh

I’ve been in such a bad place lately, struggling alot mentally… I’m so very tiered of these ups and downs, such rapid cycling.. I keep wondering and questioning if I can really do this for ever… I’ve tried all the meds the doctors have told me to try… Everything they said would work… And nothing… I’m so very tiered. I feel like I’ve keep being beaten up on a weekly bases.. I can barely remember conversations anymore… I get annoyed with myself…. And the worst part is that I know it affects my parents.. whom I live with… And today my mom finally exploded on me saying how insensitive I am for not being more aware of the things I say or how I react… Angry that I expect everyone to bounce back from my mood swings as fast as I do… I can totally understand where she’s coming from… I can only imagine how difficult it must be… But in all honesty… I don’t say mean things to them. I keep my head down, I clean the house from top to bottom.. and cook dinner and keep my mouth shut when I know I’m not feeling well… She’s upset becusse of how snippy I was on one occasion on the phone with her… One damn conversation… I’m constantly trying to watch what I say to her or my dad.. constantly ! But one moment that I slip up and I literally could not help answering her in a snippy tone… She’s pissed of for days and causes so much tension… Today she told me it’s my responsibility to approach her when I think she’s upset … But how ? Shes scary as fuck lol she’s intense and… Well honestly I never know what it could be that set her off. Everything sets her off ! I’m just so frustrated today… All I can keep thinking about is how much easier it would be if I just ended everything… I wouldn’t cause so much stress in people’s lives.. I wouldn’t have to constantly battle with my illness… I could finally be free… Right now it’s my parents… Later on it could be my husband… Or kids… I’ll always constantly be hurting people unintentionally and it sucks… I know I’m a bit over reacting right now.. and life will continue but… It’s so fucking hard…To balance my own emotions and stupid suicidal thoughts and making sure I’m aware of eveyeone else’s feelings and how I affect everyone with Evey little thing I do. So today is an ughhhhh day…

Also I think.. I think I’ll just start using this blog as a journal of sorts.. to vent everything I can’t really say to anyone else.. 

My hands 

​Why am I always so tiered…

And why 

do my hands constantly 

tremble…

am weak and my body

 knows this..

It fails me, 

My mind it leaves

 me all the time, 

I stand alone with nothing 

in my head but an empty brain .. 

a brain 

with no thoughts 

My skin, 

it feels it all

It feels 

the wind.. the drops of water 

from the sky.. 

The heat from the ground. 

And the coldness 

that people leave behind.. 

Are we all black holes that eat up everything in our path?

That’s a hell of alot 

to eat… 

where does it all go? 

We’re only so big.. 

We can’t fit it all in.. 

But they 

do. 

And the more 

they do

 the more i disapeare

 soon enough I’ll only be 

a ghost of what I 

once was..

Blue 

​I sit curled up in my favorite blue chair.

 Ear buds in my ears… 

listening 

to beautiful voices.

 I keep my eyes down.. stare at my thighs wonder why they’re so wide.

 I feel 

other people’s eyes on me. 

I wonder 

what they see… 

I hear snip its of their conversations 

as they pass me,

Almost makes me want to follow them.. to know how their stories end.. 

Who are you?

Why do you see me ? 

Can you see me ?

Am I alive? 

Or 

Am I just 

that whisper in the wind

 that tickles your ears and thats why

 you turn your head in my direction..

Will you let me follow you? 

Can I become your shadow…

Bricks of blood

​I some times sit in front of brick walls and just stare at them, 

Yelling at them, begging them to tell me their secrets of resistance. 

Who put your peices together. ? 

Who created your strength .. ?

your beauty, your existence. ?

What stories have you heard…?

what have you seen and felt?

Why aren’t you answering me !! 

Fine, I’ll sit and count your bricks, 

one by one.. 

 I’ll wait patiently for you to whisper to me, youll see.

Maybe 

one day 

I’ll be another one

 of your stories.

 As I bash my head on your surface 

until my skull cracks 

and my blood

 and brains are laid on your pressious bricks.. 

Someone will wash me off of you eventually 

 But you’ll never forget me right ? 

You’ll tell my story right? 
#bipolar

My garden 

​There’s a man, that I met.

He was supposed to be… just someone else. 

But no he decided to stay and make a home in my heart. I kept telling him he wouldn’t fit. There’s no space… but he laughed and fit perfectly in rhe gaping whole that once was my heart. 

I tip toed around him cautiously, waiting for the atomic bomb to explode, waiting for him to poison me from the inside out.  

But day by day..

He began to plant a garden. 

Daily he took the weeds out, the stubborn things wouldn’t come out at first… they’ve been there, taken home in the dry dirt of my soul

But he didn’t stop, he pulled and dug and pulled until they gave..

He watered meticulously flower by flower, watching them grow… singing to them.. whispering sweet nothing’s…

Day and night he slept with them, 

Fighting off all animals who tried to eat them…

This man stayed.. and every night I cried… out of fear that in anger he might destroy the garden.. day by day.. something inside of my soul began to wake. Began to breath omce again… until he found a way to breath life back into me. And then I realized I was alive omce again. 

Then one day I found him kneeling I’m the bed of roses.. crying. And so I asked… what is troubling you…

He said to me.. I have nothing left inside me… I’ve put it all into this garden of your heart, and now I’m dying.. 

The second those words left his lips.. a tornado straight from within me swept us up together into oblivion.. bringing every rose with it.. and I fed him.. I fed him from my garden.. 

He tried his hardest to escape the wind of nourishment …begging me to stop the wind of creation… he couldn’t understsnd why I would give him back the life he gave me… begging me to keep it even if it ment him withering into nothingness… but I kept hold of him  as the wind picked up even stronger and hurled us higher and higher into the sky… until we landed amongst the clouds.. and I sat him down on a bed of roses and took his hands away from his eyes and begged him to look, I told him *do you not see that there’s enough now for the both of us. What you began in that garden.. will never die it will never cease to grow.. you have created eternity within me and now, I beg you to let me, climb into the void of your heart.. and share my garden with your own struggling soul. We will feed each other.. love each other and i will never let you down.. I will keep you on this bed of roses until you are strong enough to fly with me. And once your strength has come back, we will soar into oblivion together. As we lay a path of flowers at our feet so that others can follow. You created a foundation of life and beauty on top of what I thought was a broken unlovable foundation that would never budge.. you have been my new begining.. and I will be your present and future.*

This  man did the impossible… and showed me something that i never knew existed…. this man… believed that I… a broken hearted soul.. could be loved.. could be saved… this man… saved me. And for that… i will never let him down… I will hold him up with all that I have. And I will love him until the end of eternity.. 

Brooding

I’m a brooding 18 year old hahaha

I write depressing shit.

But most of the time I act nothing like this.

But it feels so good to get it out..
To finally say the truth

Verbal diahrea has never felt so good

Time

I walk to you, but I advert my gaze.
I know whats in your eyes.

I’m not ready to face it

I grab your hand instead.
Intertwine our fingers and hold on to dear life

I’m waiting for the words I deserve to hear …
But they never fucking come.

But don’t worry … The hates blossoming within my chest … You don’t even have to say it.

Your strength baffles me.
Why do you hold my hand when I’ve broken you down over and over, I’ve pushed you to your limits in hopes that you’ll abandon me. I deserve to be abondoned.

But you stand there.
And I stand here.
Hands intertwined
And our hearts bleeding.
Who will stich us up?

And you whisper into my ear
Time.
Time will heal

What if I run out of time ?

Only you create your end

Haunted

I’m in perpetual state of “hauntedness”

I’ve attached memories
Feelings
Taste
To everything that I look at.

I’ve created my own personal prison… Called earth

And because of this, there is no escape.

Some say, create new memories, new feelings, new tastes

But,.. I have
Anything that comes out of me is drenched in sadness…

My only hope is to rip this tormented beast called sadness out of my heart.

But what if I unleash it? And it  latches onto someone else… Why take them down with me..

I will go alone. I will destroy this sadness. I will set myself free.

I find myself stairing mindlessly at things.. Fixated on whatever my eyes have zoned in on, I go minutes without blinking.

I take another drag, my heads getting fuzzy, my body feels weightless.

I tumble back out of my tunnel of fixation.
I feel everything.
But happiness..

The sadness penetrates my clothes, my hair… And everything that I touch.

My sadness is my constant.
There’s no reason for my sadness. But discontent.

Discontent with my body, the ground I walk on,
With my life,

Do you think God takes returns on sale items ?

No?… I didn’t think so.
I’m sure the devil does… Hed take anything, just as he’s taken my soul.

I know right from wrong. But since I’ve chosen to stop taking part with society. Ive made my own rules.
Anything goes…
Everything hurts.
Everyone dies.